Lord, but I’m tired of bad news. Thank god my mind is a veritable circus of goofiness, so when bad news hits, I can create lots of entertaining distractions for myself. Lists are a favorite form of distraction, since it forces me to focus and stay on track, and often leads to hilarity. When I’m especially bored, I make lists of things that make me laugh.
I was recently thinking on terrible things in the world, and how much I hate all of them. So I started listing out things like sexism, racism, politicking, gun violence, religious nuts, etc. Then Anne Hathaway popped into my head and I stopped. WTF? I mean, I do hate her, but I seriously have zero basis for that. Maybe it’s the fact that she seems to have too many teeth. Maybe I don’t like her acting. Maybe she just seems to have benefitted too much from the genetic lottery. I don’t know. I just know that I wrinkle my nose in disgust every time I see her picture.
After a bit of thought, I realized that there are tons of things that I really loathe for which there is no real reason. And they made me laugh and distracted me from all the darkness of our ever present news cycle. So here’s a short list of things I simply cannot abide:
- Lima beans
- Sex scenes in books that use the words turgid, tumescent, or member
- Philip Seymour Hoffman
- Pants without pockets
- Abstract art in chain hotels
- Microfiber anything
- Polyblend sheets
- Shopping loyalty programs
- Connor Oberst
- Panty liners
- 3D, HD or XD movies
- “Xtreme” as a shortened version of extreme
- Individually wrapped pats of butter
- Rompers on anyone older than 3
- Crumpets
Now, don’t get all crazy with calling me out on any of these. I’m sure there are many of you who would love to see turgid used in a sentence at least once a day, or who enjoy the hell out of panty liners. Good for you, go nuts. Staple a bunch of panty liners to a microfiber romper and parade through the streets howling “Turgid!” at passersby.
Just don’t talk to me, okay?
But next time you’re feeling a little overwrought by bad news, make yourself a list of ridiculous things you can’t stand. I promise it’ll make you laugh.